


Descrinity

by highly_anxious



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: "if i stop smOkiNg CrACk", (probably not im a noob), Angst, Connor actually goes to class!!, Connor just wants to be happy, Connor wants to change badly, Deh - Freeform, Galaxy Gals, How Do I Tag, Is this slow burn?, Larry is a decent dad, Multi, PFFT, Tag spam, Treebros, ahhh!!!!, connor barley smokes yay!!!, convan, dear evan hansen - Freeform, descrinity, evan is insecure and has anxiety!! theres a difference jared!!!, evan is kinda popular but like not as much as zoe, exclamation points!!!!!!!, first fic, fluff later, i guess, im a sensitive person, jared is a good boi, let him be happy, pining connor, please be nice ty, sibiling relationship is... decent..., still mending, the world may never know, ye y e y e
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-23
Updated: 2018-02-24
Packaged: 2019-03-17 16:58:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13663335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/highly_anxious/pseuds/highly_anxious
Summary: Descrinity - The desire to be seen as something else.





	1. Wishes Don't Come True

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Descrinity: The desire of being seen as something else...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHH!! So yeaa, this is my first chapter fic on ao3!! Real quick special thanks before we begin- shoutout to outofprintgame on tumblr for approving of my made up word "descrinity" pff. Another shoutout to lakejart for making that sad yet inspirational post about the feeling you felt that led me to naming it descrinity. Congrats, you two now played an important part in my fic woot woot. Onwards, my children!! <3

Connor has always wanted to be seen as something else. Something other than these broken parts, or this mess that he truly was. He wanted to be seen as an _inspiration_ , as a light. But instead, he was seen as a kid who had smudges of brown paint all over his jacket. A boy who merely scribbled on paper, wasting his time on countless sketches- which no one even looked at. Someone who had cuts all over his arm, from bad times which still lasted. Yet he wished for better times, for something, _someone,_ to pull him out of his forsaken reality in which he called his life. Was it really that bad to wish? 

Indeed it was. 

Wishes never came true, at least not for the brunet. He learned at a young age that wishing just lead to disappointment once you realized your dumb-ass question was never going be answered.

But, I mean, it didn't hurt to desire every once in a while. Especially about this.

Walking through the halls, he heard the whispers. He saw the pointing. He felt the flinches as he pushed pass other teens. And he was used to it all, for it happened about every day. Connor just ignored them, though. He ignored everything. He ignored the sting of his arm, the screams of his father when he was upset, and the apologies that came after.

The tall boy wasn't paying much attention- probably thinking about his homeroom route- when he bumped into a strong body, which surprisingly enough sent _him_ backwards instead of the other.

"Oh- oh my god, I'm so sorry I-" The guy continued to ramble in a soft voice which Connor hoped would never stop speaking. 

Evan Hansen. Evan _Fucking_ Hansen. He had to bump into his highkey crush, the one he had since they began to talk ever so slightly in 4th grade. Well great, now Connor was probably blushing like crazy, and he had to muster up his chill factor so he can act like it was no big deal, when it really was a _big fucking deal._ Quickly, he began thinking of ways he could either rush past him, or maybe befriend him more. Suddenly, he saw a hand jerk in front of his face, and snapped back to the real world. 

Oh boy, did Evan say something and he missed it? Gah, he was such a big mess. 

Taking the hand, he began lifting himself up. Then his arm was pulled gently but gruffly, which sent his whole body tumbling onto Evan's. 

Great. Now they were sorta hugging? What was this, some cheesy anime?

Evan pushed him off quickly, as red as a tomato. The smaller of the pair began to fumble with words again, managing to fling his hands around wildly yet say nothing at all. Connor admired that the teen had so many odd talents that no one appreciated- per say opening your mouth yet somehow not making a sound, no matter how hard you tried. Before Evan embarrassed himself more, though, Connor stopped him with a wave of his arm.

"Hey, Evan, you're fine, really." Evan's face hid slight guilt as he let his arms fall.

"Are you sure? I-its just- I mean, I completely _pushed_ you."

"It was a honest mistake. Did you mean to push me?" The green-eyed wonder shook his head violently.

"See? Now, we should head to class befo-" _rrrrrrringggg~!_

Connor sighed. "I stand corrected by the school." Evan gave a small giggle, which went straight to Connor's head as he grew dizzy with love. Looking around, he took out his phone. It was way too late to be shy now, and he really did deserve to earn the boy's number.

"Wanna share contacts? I mean- numbers." He had added quickly, glancing at the other's confused expression at the term, 'share contacts.'

"Oh- yea! Totally. We, um, haven't talked in a while, yea?" Evan replied coyly, taking out some sort of off-brand looking cell- which for some reason made Connor think that if he ever dated the kid, he'd totally spoil him rotten. 

"Indeed we haven't, Evan Hansen. How are you? Is your friend Jared doing ok?" Connor never really spoke to Jared, Evan's seemingly only friend besides Connor's sister and her girlfriend. The only reason they grew to know one another was because of Zoe's friend group, which consisted of fairly popular people- for some reason including Jared himself, the Meme King. Rumor has it that those who challenge him at Mario Kart will instantly burn. Obviously just a rumor, but Sam Richards hasn't been seen since last week-

"Yea, Jared's ok. I'm... I'm ok too. And, um, you? Are you ok, I mean." 

"I'm on a roller-coaster that only goes up." 

"You- you did not just reference John Green."

"I got plenty more up my sleeve. Join me for ice-cream after school and I will rain references upon you like never before."

"W-wow, who knew you were such a romantic, Connor Murphy?"

"I take that as a yes. I will court you at 4pm, so please be in your finest polo."

"God, um, I missed talking to you." Connor flushed as he heard Evan speak those words. Maybe he had a chance after all. And then he realized _Evan Hansen just accepted his offer on a date._ A date which _he_ asked about. 

"I did too." 

\----

Getting to class, he quickly told his reasoning for being late and apologized, sitting next to his "acquaintance" Alana Beck, a childhood friend of his, and sister's girlfriend. He found them disgustingly cute, but it was worth it, since she always brought food for him. Alana greeted him with an eyebrow wiggle and a bubbly smile. The heterochromia-eyed teen always liked Alana, what's not to like? She could be a bit annoying at times, but that wasn't her fault. She was nice to everyone, flawed or not, and she had a great personality, as well as food sense.

They had met in pre-school, Alana giving him a flower because she said he was, "pretty." Long story short, young Alana once had a huge crush on young Connor, but that quickly passed once Alana figured out she was hella gay for Zoe. Either way, Connor had appreciated the flower and began to hang out with her after that, much to Alana's liking. In 4th grade, he invited her to dinner, and she agreed. There, Alana met his sister, and the two hit it off immediately. 

"Hey Con. Bumped into someone, huh? So, who was it? Give me some juicy stuff, I'm really bored. Homeroom sucks." Connor snorted and pulled out his phone. 

"It was only Evan." He replied softly, looking through his contacts. Tamely, he renamed Evan, "My Hazel Grace <3" All while Alana was watching. 

"Wow, you didn't even stutter. Smooth play-ah." Alana snatched his phone and switched it with hers, something they did often. Connor would usually just spam his Zoe with Snapchat stickers and pictures of Alana, while Alana took pics of herself and sent them to her as well. 

"So, lover-boy, how's my boo? I heard she got sick, which makes me depressed." The shorter of the pair said softly, scrolling through the other's Memories.

"She's fine, just being a big-ass baby, per usual." He replied curtly,  remembering how she sneezed on him on purpose more than once. "Zoe is a pain when she's sick, though. Hey, I have a date with Cutie-McBlue-Boy today at four, and my parents are out of town, so could you take care of her?"

"Is she some sort of pet when she's sick?"

"Are you fucking kidding me? Pet is simply being kind. She's a monster who wants soup every five minutes. She's also the soupy-sick person."

"Oh geez, that girl is tough. At least she loves me, so that's a plus."

Connor gave a snort. "Love is no excuse here. It's either soup or nothing." 

"Five bucks that she likes Ramen."

"I'm her brother, five bucks on Clam Chowder." Alana made a terrified face and dropped his phone for a second.

"There is _no way_ my girl likes _Clam Chowder."_ She sputtered. "Zoe is so the type to like ramen!" 

"Just you wait."

 

\----

 Connor looked at the time as he headed towards his good-enough car, glancing around. He had about an hour left until 4pm struck, which gave him plenty of time to prepare. The long-legged teen was still in shock after he had managed to land a date with Evan so fast, especially with him being the- "troubled teen." I mean, yea sure, Evan and him stayed in touch every now and then, and Zoe would have him over a lot of times, but not much else. Hell, they used  _emails_ as communication because both were too nervous to ask for one another's number. 

Let's just say it was a time of distress for Connor.

After getting home in time to feed his needy sister medicine, he immediately rushed to his room and began tearing through his closet. He had already planned his outfit: some dull crimson jeans with his combat boots and a dusty grey sweatshirt that said "breath" in bold maroon letters. The thing was, he couldn't find the sweatshirt. 

"Zoe, did you take out the laundry like mom said?" 

All that replied was some inaudible rasping. He groaned and stumbled down to the basement to retrieve his precious sweater.  

Entering the basement- which looked more like a second living room-  Connor moved swiftly and threw most of the clothes on the floor that remained in the washer. Finally, he found the familiar grey fabric and pulled it close to his chest, sighing. 

"It's just not the same without you, love." He cooed.

Meanwhile, upstairs, Zoe made a face as she realized that her brother was probably making out with his sweater again.

This was going to be a long day.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY YOU MADE IT!! Sorry it's so short! Y'know, I love dem cutie-patootie comments ;) Next chappy will be up soon, thanks  
> for sticking around!! (the next will be much longer, truuust me. I just procrastinated too much on this one by accident, and it was about to expire... whoops)


	2. Mafia and Apricots

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys go and get ice-cream, and Connor almost kills a man. songs and favorite colours and a shopping list join the chat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chappy 2 is ago! thanks for those who commented and kudos :)

Connor had finished getting ready faster than he thought he would, which gave him plenty of time to call up Alana to make sure she would come. 

"Hey 'Lana. You should start driving, I know you live a'ways from here." 

" _I am driving, dumb-ass. I said I was on my way three minutes ago!"_

"Same thing. Hey, if my sister wants Clam Chowder, leave five at my room. If she wants Ramen, just wait until I get home so you can earn your prize money."

_"This sound's like a drug deal, Conman."_

"Considering I've had a few in my life, it probably is." He smiled when he heard a loud snort from the other side of the line.

_"Ok, leave me be so I don't die before we settle this."_

"Gotcha. See ya, Alana."

" _Tootles."_

Hanging up, he glanced at the clock for what seemed to be the hundredth time. It read  _4:47pm_. The lanky boy gave a small grunt and thought if he should leave extra early. Maybe he should've bought flowers? Damn, that would've been good. There always was his garden as an option, though.  It would be worth it to see Evan's smile. Ok, yea, garden it is.

Tearing down the stairs, he stumbled and grabbed the railing fast enough so he did a cool slide turn. He was slightly impressed with himself, but focused on the task at hand as he opened the patio door and made his way to the garden he and his mom shared. 

Connor faltered the moment he looked at the beauty of the flowers. There were just...  _so many._ What kind of flowers did Evan even like? The brunet scanned his eyes over the patch of colors multiple times before letting them land on the small amount of sunflowers he owned. Ah, yes. He could already imagine the blue boy gripping the yellow flowers with a grin. 

Slowly and gently, he began to pick a few. One became two, and two became four as they basically grew in amount in his arms. Soon enough, he was bundling up an abundance of soft, large sunflowers, being extra careful. The teen had found a pretty baby blue ribbon in his room, and decided to tie the flower stems together with it. Holding the bouquet up to the sun, he gave a soft smile. Surely, Evan would love these. 

He proceeded to move to the front-yard, jumped in his decent car, and texted Zoe, saying that he was heading out and that Alana would be there in approximately 4 minutes. 

"'Kay, let's get this show on the road." He muttered, starting the vehicle and pulling out of the driveway.  

\-----

 

Connor pulled up in the Hansen's driveway, turning down his music at the slightest. He pulled out his phone and shot Evan a quick chat, then pulled the flowers out and opened the door, stepping out. He jogged up to the front door and cracked a smile as he rang the doorbell. 

Evan answered quickly, and smiled widely as he saw his longtime kinda-friend standing in front of him. "Connor!" He breathed. "Hi."

"Hello, Blueboy." Connor replied teasingly, taking out the bundle of sunflowers. "I brought you a gift. Only for the tolerated."

The shorter of the pair smiled even wider as he took the flowers gently and caressed them in his freckled arms. "Ohmygod. I- I'm speechless. These are, beautiful!" Conner gave a quiet laugh.

"I picked them in like, five minutes."

"These were from your garden?!"

"Only the best for you, my love." _Wink._

Evan giggled and looked at the sunflower batch again. "I love it. V-very much." Quickly, he turned around and went inside, finding a free vase and placing it in temporarily. Walking out and shutting the door, he nodded. "Let's get going. Mum's coming back early for taco Tuesday. She, um, wants you to join? If that's fine with you, that is." Connor nodded, shrugging. "It seems pretty cool, yea. I'll text Alana that I won't be back 'till tomorrow." 

Evan made a concerned face. "Tomorrow?"

"Yep, I'm inviting myself to a sleepover at your place." 

"O-oh, sure. Yea. I mean, we're just now getting to really know each other, though?"

"Which is why this is the perfect opportunity to talk."

"That's, actually really valid. You win."

"Great. Now lets-a-go. We don't have all day to get ice-cream." 

And so they both turned away from the door, walking to his car with soft giggles as one told the other a joke. 

_____

Reaching the famous " _Al La Mode,"_ Evan softly jumped out of the passenger seat and glanced over at Connor's side. He was staring at the building, which looked worn-down yet really nice. After a while of secretly staring, the taller of the pair finally got out, sighing. 

"What's, what's up?"

Connor frowned. "Dunno." He replied. Evan snickered, shutting the car door behind the other. 

"Ok then, what'cha thinking a-about?" 

"My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations, dear Evan Hansen." Evan groaned. 

"I, I walked myself straight into that one. Dash it all." 

Connor merely smiled. Holding the door of the ice-cream place for Evan, they entered. "What are you gonna get? I'll order for you." 

The green-eyed boy waved his hand. "N-no no, I'll do it. I'm... working on my social skills. This is, uh, perfect." Walking up bravely to the counter, he ordered two scoops of Salted Carmel on a cone, and slid the amount of money over. He walked back to where Connor was standing (in surprise and awe) with a big ol' grin on his face. "T-tada."

Connor pouted. "Damn, I was going to pay for you. Guess that's off the table now. I'm going to be honest, I wasn't planning on buying anything. Can I have some of your cone?" Evan looked aghast as he held his cone close. "Nu-uh. U-unacceptable." The brunet whined, and dropped his head on the table. 

 "If you want s-some, you'll have to..." Evan trailed off a little before finishing. "Oh! You'll have to earn it." 

Connor laughed lightly as he put his hand to his head. Oh boy, has he been on one hell of a ride lately. First, school starts and people actually talk to him. Then he bumped into Evan and got a  _phone number._ Now he's here, enjoying ice cream and actually looking forward to his future. 

Now that was a first. He made a mental note to put his mood as "Rad" in Daylio later. 

"S-so..." Mr. Blueman chimed, licking his ice cream. "What's your favorite colour?" 

"Oh, it's kind of stupid." 

"Bet." 

Bet? Connor raised an eyebrow at that. 

"Look who's suddenly mafia level 99." He responded, leaning his head on his hand and smirking. Suddenly, though, Evan gave out a loud snort and began to laugh wildly. The taller of the two felt his heart swell with a little pride as his smile grew, but it quickly faltered as he realized Evan wasn't laughing, he was flat out choking. Maybe out of laughter? Choking wouldn't be possible, because the ice cream would simply melt due to the fact that the human mouth is indeed quite warm and would- 

Wait oh my _g_ _od_   _he's choking._

Connor's eyes darted around, looking for help, but even the waitress wasn't around, as she was out back probably preparing cones for her non-existent customers. (Unfortunately, the place wasn't as popular as it used to be, yet the waitress- who has been working there since Connor was young -never gives up hope and manages to still serve enough ice cream to keep the place going.) Finally, he decided to take action, and swiftly got behind Evan, placing his hands to his chest and performing CPR. Inside his head, he was screaming quite loudly, perhaps cursing himself for his stupid mafia joke. But on the outside, the teen seemed quite calm and focused. Who knew you could do both! 

Evan lurched a few times, and finally began to sputter as chunks of pretzels and a decent amount of ice cream spilled out. Would this be considered vomit? No one knew. 

The waitress quickly arrived to check up on the victim, and afterwards praised Connor for how brave and heroic he was, offering him a free bucket of any flavor. 

Five minutes later they both sat in the car, one with a tub of salted caramel, and another with a broken, melted cone that honestly should've been thrown away. 

"I can't believe I almost  _died._ Over a  _mafia joke._ " 

"That's just how mafia works." Connor shrugged. He soon began to laugh as the blond began to punch him on his shoulder. 

"What. Happened. T-to. The. John Green. Puns!" He yelled between punches. "I wouldn't have seen Jesus if you kept doing those!" 

"Damn, was he cool? Always wanted to meet the fellow." Evan simply groaned as the other laughed, turning on the car and backing out of the lot. My god, was this a long day. Who knew life could be this eventful? He began to drive out to the Hansen's, watching the road yet daydreaming about the future and never looking back. They passed multiple areas, including the apple orchard that he used to go to as a kid with his family. He remembered the picnics and toy planes and the apple picking in the end, always getting the golden ones while Zoe whined about how she couldn't reach- until she got her way and was nestled on her fathers shoulders. Connor smiled. 

The car remained eerily silent for a while before Connor noticed that Evan had fallen asleep, the cone in his hand fully melted and on the brink of spilling all over his precious Matilda. (Yes, he named his car after the musical. No, he has no regrets.) He looked back at the road and promised that he'd clean it later if it did spill. Moving one hand to the radio box, he entered a station and listened to it on low. 

_'this is 97.3 WMEE HD1, number 1 best variety! ...sunny 101.5! ...102.5 country... high hopes- hovana- nevermind il- ah- b- m- j-'_

The tall teen shook his head. Nothing good was even on anyways. As he reached a stoplight, he quickly turned Bluetooth on and went ahead to his spotify account, pressing a random song right before the light turned green. And so he continued. Quietly the music began. 

 

_' i want to kiss you in the middle of a party,'_

 

Shucks, it wasn't his favorite song, but it'll do. 

 

_' i want to cause a scene. '_

Oh, they caused a scene alright. 

 

_' i want everyone to know that you are with me, we'll dance to our own beat. '_

 

Connor sighed. The sweet wind of August blew through the windows that he pulled down and swept though his hair, the strands dancing merrily. He quickly pushed it back as he gripped the steering wheel. His car smelled of caramel and old cigarettes and soil.  _  
_

_' and i dont care if anybodys watching me '_

 

He wished that were true. It was _6:24pm._

 

_' when im homesick, ill go to the supermarket. ill buy all the things i think my mom would get. '_

 

He smiled. Tomatoes, sugar and salt. Tea boxes, herbs, seeds. A few strawberries and some soup cans. On special occasion, popsicles and a packet of skittles or salted crisps.

 

_' and whyd i buy four apricots, ill never eat them till they rot, they'll just become an afterthought...'_

 

Oh, and some apricots. Pulling up to the Hansens, he watched as Evan stirred from his short nap. Suddenly though, he spoke. 

"You... you never told me the colour." Ah yes, the colour. Connor looked at him before he gave a short smile.

"Yellow."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
> 
> i wrote the chapter out and then accidentally KILLED IT ALL   
> so here i am crying. thank you for reading though lmao.  
> i think this is longer idk i ran out of ideas for the chapter smh 
> 
> the song is apricots by diet cig btw wink 
> 
> ill be trying my best to continue this (crappy) work! stay tuned ;)
> 
> quick note i dont proof read because im stupid so if theres a mistake its bcause im lazy shh


End file.
